Near our home there’s a forest that we enjoy exploring. At the end of a ravine there lies a fallen tree. It spans across the distance of the ravine, from one end to the other. The tree is solid, but falling would hurt, a lot. Nevertheless, the challenge is there and my kids must take it, every time. They’ve crossed the log many times, but each time they do I hold my breath in anticipation… and to stop myself from blurting out “Be Careful!” a hundred times over.
Why We Need to Stop Telling Our Kids to “Be Careful”
Saying “Be Careful!” to children is probably one of the least helpful things we can say to them. First of all, it’s not specific enough. “Be Careful!” could mean “watch out for the poison ivy!” or “watch out the sky is falling!”. When you tell a child “Be Careful!” it usually doesn’t get the response you’re hoping for, either they’ll give you a look of confusion (“what’s there to be afraid of?”), ignore you (“this isn’t scary!”) or start crying (“something really bad is about to happen!”).
The other problem with saying “Be Careful!” is that it instills fear. It teaches kids that they should avoid taking risks, trying new things and making mistakes because bad things could happen, an yes bad things can happen, but kids need to engage in risky and challenging play for healthy growth and development.1
What To Do and Say Instead
Breaking the Habit!
Imagine this scenario: Your child is climbing up a small tree and the slim branches are bowing under her weight. In a flash your brain calculate multiple scenarios, all of them end badly. Even though your child isn’t in immediate danger you want to call out “Be Careful!”, here’s what you can do instead:
STOP: Notice what you are about to say and tell your brain to “STOP!” or “PAUSE”.
BREATHE: Acknowledge how you feel and take a deep controlled breath.
REFLECT: Look at the situation with fresh eyes and ask yourself:
- What is the potential for serious harm?
- Why does this situation make me feel uncomfortable?
- What skills is my child learning right now?
RESPOND: There isn’t one right response for every situation. If your child is in danger by all means do act quickly! However, some situations might require you to do nothing and other situations might require you to help your child foster awareness or problem solve.
Fostering Awareness
My youngest child isn’t as sure footed as his older siblings. He tends to trip and fall much more. I think it’s because he’s always trying so hard to keep up. When we’re out hiking we explore places with steep cliffs, boulder fields, slippery stones and loose rock. Lots of risks! We talk about his feet a lot on these hikes: “Try moving your feet slowly over this area”, “Notice how these rocks are wet?” and “Do your feet need a rest?”. Slowly he’s becoming just as sure footed as the rest of us.
Every time you want to say “Be Careful!” see it as an opportunity to help your child foster greater awareness of their environment and their bodies. Try saying:
- Notice how… these rocks are slippery, the log is rotten, that branch is strong.
- Do you see… the poison ivy, your friends nearby?
- Try moving… your feet slowly, carefully, quickly, strongly.
- Try using your… hands, feet, arms, legs.
- Can you hear… the rushing water, the singing birds, the wind?
- Do you feel… stable on that rock, the heat from the fire?
- Are you feeling… scared, excited, tired, safe?
Encouraging Problem Solving
The other day I walked into my backyard and my two children were having an imaginary battle with two cultivators (rakes with three pointy prongs!) while swinging on swings. I wanted to blurt out “AH! YIKES! BE CAREFUL!!” but after taking deep breath I said “It looks like you’re having a very intense battle, but those tools are meant for gardening, what could you use instead?”. They put the tools away, found some stick and continued their adventure.
It’s important that we let our kids engage in risky or challenging play because it’s a great way for them to practice problem solving skills. Help them out by asking:
- What’s your plan… if you climb that boulder, cross that log?
- What can you use… to get across, for your adventure?
- Where will you… put that rock, climb that tree, dig that hole?
- How will you…. get down, go up, get across?
- Who will… be with you, go with you, help you if?
Download the FREE PDF here: What to Say to Kids Instead of “Be Careful!” (PDF)
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More Resources
When You Want to Say Be Careful from Child and Nature Alliance of Canada
Stop Saying “Be Careful” and What to Say Instead image from Wilder Child
5 Reasons Reasons Why I’m Raising Outdoor Kids from Backwoods Mama
21 comments
You have nailed it so well. A moment of pause to reflect is crucial, it may just over-protective nature, which will surely hinder children confidence and diminish their fearlessness. Love all the suggestions to help them develop life-long skills of awareness and problem-solving. Outdoors are the most wonderful learning place, provided parents do their part right by using right words and being role models. Great advice and a reminder for all the parents.
Really enjoy this and the number of examples you give. It is a habit I’m trying to break!
Loved this post and the specific advice!
Great advice. Thank you. Wish my parents had done something like that.
i like this post becauae it teaches the values of what children are goimg through and give them.an example to be more careful for them selves and others who are with them that are out there in the woods trying out new things in the world
Wonderful post! I worked hard while raising adventuresome kids to back off and not say anything. Your suggestions would have been so much better….giving me a productive way to interact and (potentially) heeling them more quickly learn to mitigate risks. I’m sharing this with many of my young-mama friends!
Wonderful reminder and great inspiration for those many times when I have to bite my tongue. Thank you!
Great article
thanks
Wonderful! Great advice . Thank you
So from now on when she’s climbing up unstable trees, I’ll just shout, “don’t fall and snap your arm in half unless YOURE going to be paying the $250 ER copay…”
Sounds good.
All 3 of my kids were adventurous and I was constantly saying be careful! They seem to have survived and are showing no ill effects from my incompetence. Who knew?
Only just saw your site for the first time. I love what I saw and can’t wait to see what else is on this site.
You’re right to point out that saying ‘be careful’ is rarely helpful, and that one option is to say nothing. My hunch is that this is often – perhaps very often – a good option, and worthy of more attention. A good first question to ask is ‘do I need to say anything at all?’ Playworkers talk of the value of peripheral vision, and ‘loitering with intent’. Another problem with ‘be careful’ is that grown-ups often say it when children are, in fact, being careful. A child hearing this could, as you say, become anxious. But they could also conclude that the grown-ups are stupid, and pay less attention to warnings in future.
This is one area in which urban children are very resilient! We had no one watching after us, so we learned on our own what not to do. 🙂
I love this concept and the thinking behind it. My daughter is still only little (16 months) so any suggestions for how to start this early with toddlers who don’t yet have a solid understanding of everything you say?
Yes! As she begins to naturally explore use the words suggested at the end of the article:
Do you notice how…?
Do you see how…?
Try moving…
Try using…
Can you hear…?
Are you feeling?
What’s your plan for…?
What can you use…?
Where will you…?
How will you…?
Who will…?
When you use these types of questions you practice responding with observation questions instead of “Be careful!” And she learns to be observant AND careful. The key is to keep her aware of what’s around her and how she feels, but not unnecessarily afraid.
This is the perfect time for you to startso you both learn together!!
Good suggestions! Although I am an outdoor person myself, and in my work, and I take risks all the time, I still find myself telling my son to be careful all the time. I know it’s not helpful but I can’t help it. I’ll work on being more specific. I grew up playing outside and climbing on everything. So he will, too. Except we’ve already had the bad fall from the playground ladder where he fell on his back and we went to the ER. Scariest moment of my life. But he was ok. I still try to let him climb things, but listen more closely to my mommy instincts.
Great advice! Was recommended to read this from a friend. Thank you!
Thank you for being so practical. So many times people tell you “dont do this as a parent” but never give you the proper alternatives instead. Im excited to read your other articles. Also the suggestions you made will help develop communication skills with the kids. Thanks again!!!
I very much like your article on what to say instead of “be careful”. I want to save it in my “grandparenting tips” in Pinterest but it wouldn’t save in the usual way, even though I saw the Pinterest icon, at the top of the article. How can I save it in Pinterest? Thank you.